Everything is Art! I Don't Get It!

If you look at me, talk to me, hang with me, you know that I'm not an artsy person. I don't get art, and never will.

Yes, we all know art is subjective, but c'mon! Let's be honest. Everything can be "art!"

I could literally dump a bucket of paint on a mural, swish it around with my feet, and call it art.

I can take out a blank canvas, scribble lines all over the place, and call it art.

I could take a photo of a puddle of water, and, yes, CALL IT ART!

What's to say that we're all not "artists?" And if you think we all are artists in our own way, then you're too artsy for me.

I just don't get it. Sorry!

Why I Struggle WIth Transition!

Ok, ok...I know you've all been eager for a new post from The Brooke Schneider Show blog. So eager in fact, the fan mail is getting quite nasty. So here I am, back again, to continue the blog, and to be honest, I'm struggling to get into the swing of things.

The reason why, is because I just got back from vacation. Which means it's going to take some time for me to adjust back to the life I had before Strawberry Daiquiri's by the poolside and palm trees in sight. Now, I'm struggling to remember how I get to work, and what my routine coming home is. The truth is, I don't do well with transition.

Whether its moving to new places, or changing jobs or schools, or yes, coming back from a nice vacation, I never do well with the transition. I'm even worried how I'm going to handle Paula Abdul leaving American Idol this year! Mentally it just takes time for me to adjust, and after this vacation, I'm still yearning for the freedom of responsibility.

In fact, I don't even remember what I normally write my blogs about. What is this Top 3 of the Week nonsense? And "Rant of the Week?" Yeah, I need to get on that.

So here is your damn blog post. Maybe the next one I'll be a bit more used to the routine of posting!

Top 3 of the Week: Things I Expect From My Vacation This Week

1) Buying Crappy Souvenirs
For some reason, I only find it necessary to purchase crappy, breakable keychains, geographical locations on t-shirts, and plastic mugs when I go away on a trip, not in my own city. How else can I explain my Las Vegas and Los Angeles picture frame when I don't own a New York City one? We have this mentality that we will NEVER go back to this spot, and MUST collect a memory from it, when most likely, that memory is collecting dust on a shelf somewhere.

2) Gaining Weight
"Who caresssss, we're on vacation!" That's the motto we all seem to have when we choose to have the dessert that night on our trip, or try the famous fried pickles or world-famous gelato wherever we are. If you have enough energy and willpower to work out on your trip, more power to you! But I prefer the enjoyment of getting on the scale when I get home and bracing myself for the scale to say the exact words shown above.



3) Dreading Packing/Unpacking
I can't decide what is more painful, the strategy involved in packing, or the annoyance of unpacking. It's not so bad to dump everything into the laundry bin when you're home, but somehow the thrill of the trip is gone when you probably have jet-lag or realize its back to reality. So in a neck-and-neck race, I'm going to say I dread unpacking most.

With that said, I will be out of town for this upcoming week. You know what that means--you're going to have to find something else to keep you entertained! I suggest fresh air. It might be good for you to get out.

"I'm on TV!" -- So What!

There was a time when only actors were about to grace the small screen. Nowadays, you'd be hard-pressed to find someone who doesn't know someone who knows someone, who's been on a TV show.

Most recently, my cousin's fiance, in her 2nd attempt, found her way on the wedding show, Say Yes to the Dress. What did she get? Nothing. The girl had to buy her own dress. What she did get, though, was the thrill of being on TV, which these days, seems to suffice many.

If you really wanted, you could probably find a reality show that suites you, too. Love to cook? Well there's Top Chef or Hell's Kitchen. Love to love? Well you can be on anything from Blind Date to The Bachelor. Love to just live? How about Big Brother or The Real World.

As long as there's an audience to watch, there will always be reality TV. It's hard to believe that there was a time when we were just content with watching actors portray the lives of the rich on a show like Desperate Housewives. Why pretend when we can see the real thing on Real Housewives?

The only problem is saying "I'm on TV" just doesn't have the same aura today the way it used to.

Top 3 of the Week: Movies Everyone Has Seen This Summer But Me

1) The Hangover
There are certain types of movies that sweep the nation and are the main topics at the office cooler or at a night out with friends. I missed the boat on The Hangover, this summer's surprise hit, and thus, must force myself to put on my hand earmuffs and sing the la-la-la song anytime someone in my present mentions it!



2) Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
Ok, this time, I don't care that I missed this one. This movie is the epitome of "summer blockbuster"--big names, a lot of action, and absolutely zero plot--but that doesn't stop viewers from flocking to see this flick. Why is it that people (mostly guys) are so content with computerized machines fighting one another, that they don't even care if the entire movie makes no sense! Even Megan Fox admitted she had no idea what was going on! Seeing the first Transformers on DVD was enough for me to realize it wasn't worth my time.



3) Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince

Now most people will be shocked when they hear the following:
I have not read one page or seen one minute of any Harry Potter book or movie.

A part of me is intrigued by what all the fuss is about, the other part doesn't want to invest the time it would take to hop on board with Harry. And then the other part would rather go see movies like the romantic comedy, The Ugly Truth. So maybe there's a part of me that has terrible taste in movies...o well.

Time Flies When You Are Having Fun?

Time flies when you are having fun.

Let's dissect this.

If time flies when you are having fun, then your life will feel like it's moving faster, which essentially means, you're moving closer to your death.

So when you really think about it, the more fun you have, the quicker your death will come.

The real phrase should read:

Having fun will lead to quicker death.

Top 3 of the Week: Why I'm Going to Miss Paula Abdul on American Idol

1) Her Sporadic Comments
The best part about Paula was the anticipation of "what will she say next." Mindless and irrelevant, sometimes deep and poetic, her feedback was always a joy to listen to, for the mere fact that you can easily make fun of almost every comment she made. But what will really be missed? When she ACTUALLY says something of meaning.



2) Her Sporadic Dances
God, I love when Paula felt compelled to jump out of her chair and start dancing to any song she could tap her foot to. Even if the singer was god-awful, or the song was just mediocre, the real entertainment of that number would be to watch Paula and her 5'2" frame shake her groove.



3) Simon Cowell Won't Be the Same
It's been pretty obvious that Simon and Kara do not really get along, and the beauty of Paula was her interaction with Cowell. The constant bantering and sometimes heated fights were often times the best part of the show. If Kara can't handle his jokes like last year, I'm going to miss Paula even more!

Rant of the Week: Why is "Overachiever" a Bad Thing?

I think my next rant will be on how these sites choose the WORST still images of me. I look like im having a seizure biting a carrot too hard.

Why I Love Leftovers

I love leftovers.

And despite what many people may think, if the right opportunity presents itself, I’m going to grab my doggy bag whenever I can. There tends to be a social stigma that says, “it doesn’t look right to bring home your food.” Oh, please.

You want to know why I love it? Is it because I’m cheap?

No, although the fact that I can squeeze two (or three) meals in for the price of one is appealing.

I can’t even remember the last time I could physically finish a whole meal (sorry, but after gorging myself during my basketball playing days, I seemed to have lost most of my appetite), so I’m just supposed to throw out half my meal or force myself to finish it when I’m not hungry anymore?

What I love most about leftovers, is the fact that I can now eat it at any time I want.

Hungry for a midnight snack?

Let me grab a bite of my steak sandwich or take a piece of my chicken.

Nothing to eat in the fridge for lunch?

Oh, yeah, I’ll have my leftovers from last night!

So why do people think its wrong to take home the leftovers from a meal?

It’s just good sense, people!

Top 3 of the Week: Best Saved by the Bell Moments

This week's cover of People magazine featured the cast of Saved by the Bell and a "Where Are They Now?" reunion. Considering I've been meaning to write about the classic series for quite some time, the bell has rung now for a Top 3 of the Week!

1) I'm so excited I'm so excited...I'm so...scared.
I don't care who you talk to. If you mention that phrase, they know EXACTLY what you are referring to, as all of us has seen the episode where Jesse has become addicted to caffeine pills. (And yes, you can actually order a t-shirt of the photo above). Saved by the Bell always made its best efforts to give a life lesson to us adolescents watching, and if we learned anything from this incident, it's that song and dance, with too much caffeine in you, will frighten you.



2) Lisa Does "the Sprain"
When Bayside High decides to hold a dance competition, who could forget the classic “sprain” dance that Lisa Turtle does when Screech saves the day as her partner. Once that clapometer reached its peak, we knew that this moment was going to make all of us want sprain our ankle just so we can hop around like the Turtle. Oh, and let’s not forget the cameo from Casey Kasem!


3) When Zack & Kelly Get Married
I’m actually shocked by the amount of people who haven’t seen this made-for-TV movie (actually available on Netflix) capturing the last moments ever of Zack and Kelly. I’ll never forget crying during one of the cheesiest video montages ever before Zack and Kelly say their “I do’s.” And yes, lucky for you and the vast array of nonsense on the Internet, I was able to find that very montage. Grab the Kleenex! (just kidding, I’m not 11 anymore).

Saved by the bell - Wedding
by ox-stargirl-xo

Rant of the Week: MLB Trade Deadline Review

You Wanna Rock!? See Rock of Ages on Broadway!

Beer and Broadway.

No, its not an oxymoron, but the description of Rock of Ages -- one of the most unique Broadway experiences I've had. Part Broadway show, part rock concert, and as a winner of front row lottery tickets for $26.50, it was ALL worth it!

Rock of Ages, starring former American Idol winner, Constantine Maroulis, who actually did a fantastic job, portrays a barback in the 80s hoping to make it big as a rocker. He falls for a smal-town girl, living in a lonely world (yes, "Don't Stop Believing" is one of the many 80s songs you'll be rocking out to!)


But unlike some Broadway shows, Rock of Ages has a plot, and a lot of great laughs. My particular favorite is when Lonny points out to Drew (Maroulis) that he's actually currently living his life in a Broadway show. The start of every song played will have you looking at the person next to you and say, "Yesssss, great song!!!" And yes, you'll be saying it with a beer in hand, too.

The best part though, is that most guys will enjoy Rock of Ages too, and the fact that they don't have to check their masculinity at the door for this type of show. Now maybe you won't be as lucky as I was to win front row tickets, but you're bound to enjoy it, "Any Way You Want It," so long as you "Wanna Rock!"

BREAKING NEWS: The Brooke Schneider Show Sets Record!

Yesterday, The Brooke Schneider Show blog saw unprecedented numbers on the site, reaching the highest hits since its creation. There can only be one explanation. Since the previous "Top Three of the Week" post, it looks like the photo of the Gynocologist has been creating a high level of traffic.

All I can say is, like many of you fellows out there---GOD BLESS THE VAGINA!

Top 3 of the Week: Jobs Thankfully People Want To Do

1) Gynocologist/Proctocologist
You know when you were younger, and someone asked you what you wanted to do when you grow up? If you said "I want to work with vaginas or penises," well, then you were destined to be a Gynocologist or Proctocologist (or a Pimp). Again, another field that us women are thankful someone wants to do, with the hope that that someone is a good-hearted woman and not a creepy (yet obviously educated) man. I can't really speak for the men out there!


2) Bathroom Cleaner:
You all read my Top 3 of the Week on public bathrooms, but one of the most disturbing actions we take is opening up a bathroom stall only to step back in disgust and say, "EWWW! What the hell!" What we sometimes forget to realize is that someone's got to clean that shit up (literally).


3) Accountant:
So let me get this straight. You spend all day entering numbers into an excel sheet and you actually enjoy it? Well thank god you do. Because having to take an accounting class as a Marketing major in college was probably as painful as the thought of waking up each morning knowing that I'd be doing that for a living!

Mets and Yanks Playing Let's Make a Deal?

Mets:
Omar Minaya chose to sit tight a few weeks ago when it was clear the Mets needed help on offense. Well now, the team that was fortunate enough to hang in there in a weak division are now seeing some separation between them and the charging Phillies. With no projected date in sight for a return for Reyes, Beltran and Delgado, Minaya must decide if another bat is worth getting at this point, or if a team we thought would be buyers turns into sellers at the deadline.

Look for the Mets to investigate in an outfielder or 1st baseman, unless Minaya is content after the odd within-the-division deal with the Braves for Jeff Francoeur. If so, then Omar better bring a chair cooler to work because he’s going to be on the hot seat! (oh, snap!)



Yankees:
It’s actually refreshing to see the Yankees have a solid winning record at the midway point of the season, even if they’re still chasing the Red Sox. And it shouldn’t be a surprise, the Yankees roster is filled with (overpaid) talent, but it’s still missing a few pieces. The ongoing debate of Joba moving to the bullpen should end--with Joba in the pen, of course. He might end up there, or he also might find a home in Toronto if GM Brian Cashman pulls the trigger on a deal for stud pitcher, Roy Halladay (who was reportedly involved in a trade proposal with the Mets, that Omar apparently turned down).

It’s hard to imagine the Yankees investing in another $15mil+/year if they trade for Halladay and resign him in the offseason. But if there’s no Halladay celebration, the Yanks will probably acquire their standard middle relievers or look to find a cheaper replacement in the rotation for the disappointing and now injured Chien-Ming Wang, as Cashman is bound to make at least one deal before July 31st.