Fist-pump! The Jersey Shore Returns!

I'm sorry. When I think of the MTV cash cow, The Jersey Shore, I can't help but laugh. For a multitude of reasons, this surprising hit has been the talk of the town ever since we were first introduced to the poof and The Situation.

I laugh because I truly wonder if this cast of oven roasted Italians actually thinks that viewers are laughing with them, not at them. They are infamous. Snooki will define this generation of reality TV the same way that Darva Conger did in the late 90s. I can see her picture now on a TV timeline for the late 2000s.


I laugh because these characters that claim to be real can't be serious, right? Gym, tan and laundry. Laundry?! Really?! I just wrote a damn post about how annoying it is and yet The Situation feels it justifies a top 3 activity? Again, you must be kidding, right?

Baby I Like..this song, not the Jersey Shore cast profiting off of it...

I laugh at it all, while shaking my head simultaneously. What bothers me most is that these girls and guys are now making millions over being their stupid, obnoxious selves. Why didn't I invent the damn poof! I could be on my way to millions and have me my juicy men and juicy pickles just like Snooki. Shoulda woulda coulda.



But the truth is, as much as I knock this show, I can't wait to watch the trash that represents my neighboring state. And as much as I know these reality stars live in a warped tan bubble that deserves no praise or attention, I can't help but watch every minute, and laugh at it all.

Top 3 of the Week: Favorite Bar Food

1) Nachos
There is no better bar food that provides the maximum amount of bites great for sharing and a variety of toppings than my guilty pleasure, nachos! I know if I go out for a happy hour with friends, that's all great and fun. But deciding to order nachos is the real excitement of the night--especially when it comes with my favorite, guacamole.


2) Boneless Buffalo Wings
I think I should move to Buffalo. Because every time I see Buffalo on a menu, my eyes and stomach gravitate towards it. With the amount of hot sauce and breading, I may feel like I might go into cardiac arrest. But I love love loveeee spicy food and as sick as I may feel after eating this crap, it tastes so damn good it's worth the pain and extra pounds. But it's definitely not worth eating the actual skin of the wings, which to this day, I can't understand. Hence, I stick with the boneless baby!


3) Sweet Potato Fries
One of the greatest news I heard was that sweet potato is actually healthier than regular potato. JACKPOT. Because this is yet another menu item I can't turn down. Why this isn't offered everywhere regular French fries are sold, I don't know. But I can eat these like they're candy. In fact, if they made a sweet potato candy, I might have to eat it. In fact, if they're going to make anything, it better be Sweet Buffalo Nachos!

Dear Brookie!

Dear Brookie,

Ugh, I am having so many roommate issues I don't even know where to begin. I found her on Craig's List and it's been a nightmare. She leaves her dirty dishes in the sink, definitely eats some of my food without telling, and her guests and her hang out late at night and are so loud. I've tried to get through to her but she still does this. I don't want to break my lease but I'm seriously considering it. What do I do?

The Sarcastic Answer:
Dont break the lease. Break her dishes. That way she can't leave them dirty in the sink. And as far as your food, you should really learn to eat out more and stop stocking your fridge. When her guests come over, just start hanging out with them and act purely insane. They'll quickly find another place to hang out. She wants to play dirty with those dishes, you play dirty back, sista.

The Real Answer:
Oh Craigs List..the hits and misses are endless from that site and you clearly have a miss. It's definitely not easy living with a person like that, and often times, these people are the way they are. But you can get through to them if you go about it the right way. I've heard it all: emails, post-it notes, writing on the fog in the mirror, any way you can get their attention while also avoiding confrontation. But there's no better way to get through to your roommate than to sit her down and tell her your thoughts in the most honest way.

Try to instill some ideas for a compromise and remind her that you live in the apartment too and common areas affect both of you. By taking a more sincere approach, you might be able to get through to her. If not, then your living situation and sanity deserve better. Try finding a sublet and get out of that dirty situation!

Want to Ask Brookie a question? Email her at brookehschneider@gmail.com!

Who Doesn't LOVE DOING LAUNDRY!!!

I love doing laundry!!!

I know your first reaction to that statement.

WTF?! Is she serious?

Absolutely not.

Have you ever heard anyone utter that phrase?

I sure haven't. And I sure wouldn't.

I bet you even those laundremat owners are second-guessing their career choices. Because let's be real. What is laundry if not a burden, hassle and complete and utter annoyance.

The true annoyance is when you don't own a washer or dryer, or have it in your building. If you ever played Truth or Dare, schlepping your dirty underwear outside definitely seems more like a dare and than a truth.

But however we do it, we always have a routine. Whether it's throwing everything from the wash directly to the dryer, keeping our whites, towels and linens separate, or just having our moms do it, there is one thing that's consistent: it's a damn burden.



Can''t we just pay someone to do the whole thing for us? Oh wait, a lot of people do. Why? Because being able to turn a dirty bag of clothes into a clean folded stack is worth any cost!

Top 3 of the Week: Male Stars Who Aren't As Hot As People Believe

1) Justin Timberlake
Taking nothing away from how ridiculously talented he is, if I saw a guy who looked like Justin Timberlake on the street, I probably wouldn't feel compelled to turn my head. I was more of a JC fan during my N'SYNC- loving days, and have the poster, key chain and refrigerator magnet to prove it. I even remember arguing with a friend that just based on looks, Rickey Martin at the time was way more cuter than JT. Clearly, I still don't think JT brought sexy back, and clearly I'm attracted to gay men...


2) Johnny Depp
There definitely has to be a mystique or aura about Depp that I'm completely oblivious to, because I don't see how this guy gets the attention from girls as much as he does. I mean he's a great actor be it in his Pirates of the Caribbean role or any of the cooky characters he plays. But with a personality that's a little offbeat and that hair and goatee that make him kind of look like a hobo, he just isn't my type. Sorry, ladies.

3) Derek Jeter
Now this one's painful to admit after all those years of being an avid Jeter fan. But I realized what I loved about him was the intangibles he brings, his personality and what he's meant to the Yankees all these years. Not really his looks--although he does have a great smile and out of all the 3 on the list, he's definitely the best looking. But if you ask me who's better looking: A-Rod or Jeter, I have to say the pretty-green-eyed-pink-lipped Rodriguez. Which tells me that my love for Jeter has dissipated and further proves my point that I need to stop being attracted to douchbags.

Rant of the Week: Of Course This Kind of Food Tastes Good..

Get PUMPED! The Rant of the Week is back and more rusty than ever!! But I'm giving what the people want! This week's topic? You'll have to watch it to find out..

Dear Brookie!

Dear Brooke,

Lately I've been going out a lot with my coworkers for drinks and one particular coworker and I flirt every time we go out. We have gotten closer in the process but no one at work knows. But I've gotten to the point where I really like him and actually want him to ask me out. What should I do?

The Sarcastic Answer:
You should quit. That way you eliminate any potential office romance that's often frowned upon. And it sounds like he could be "the one." So what's more important? Your career or being with the love of your life. I think you should propose to him. If he says no, then it wasn't meant to be.

The Real Answer:
So you like this boy, huh? There's no harm in liking a coworker, so long as you're aware of the risks. Ok. Fine. There is harm. Besides the fear of rejection if you do act on your feelings, there's also that minor problem of seeing him EVERY day after and the office gossip that might ensue.
But if you got more than a playful flirting vibe, you might be on to something.



Do you have a close mutual friend at work? You can use them to help gauge his interest. Or you can take it upon yourself. Any current movie you both might be interested in seeing? Any common food you like? See how he may interact in a non-work related setting and test his interest that way.

Sounds like your not going to be so forward about your feelings towards him. After all, if you were so sure about what to do you wouldn't have asked me! So see how he reacts to these options and if he doesn't give off any signs more than just the flirting you saw when you were out with him (remember the effects of alcohol and the setting you're in) THEN I can tell you maybe it wasn't meant to be.

-Brooke

Want to ask Brookie a question on life, love and the pursuit of happiness? Just email her at brookehschneider@gmail.com!

Top 3 of the Week: Why LeBron Choosing the Heat Was the Wrong Choice

Notice how Wade is in the middle...NOT LeBron...

1) He Just Wants to Win
Those were the words from LeBron James, who claimed he changed his mind (from what team, we don't know) to become the 3-headed monster (2 and a half if you count how tiny Bosh's head is) in Miami. But you see the problem is that when and if he does win with the Heat, it won't be the way Jordan or Kobe won their ring. LeBron took the easy way out to join Wade. He gave up on being the main man, the superstar, the go-to player to sell himself short. And there's no doubt in anyones mind that LeBron better get a championship in Miami otherwise his choice to become a piece of the puzzle and not the centerpiece will forever be questioned.


2) His Brand Took a Hit
Let's look at this conceptually. Already labeled The Three Kings of Bosh, Wade & LeBron and already having superstar Wade as the face of the franchise, where does that leave LeBron in the marketing plans? A-Rod is one of the biggest names on the game but the Yankees aren't his team, it's Jeter's, the captain. Every billboard, ad and promo will undoubtedly include LeBron and Wade and Bosh. So the guy who claims he can't do it alone on the court joins the 1 team in the mix who's got too many big names to promote the team off the court.

3) His Image Took a Hit
It's bad enough this whole LeBron chase, concluded by the unprecented hour-long tv special that had the country screaming "Enough about LeBron already!" And with his controversial choice after this whole 'Courting the King' process, there's a good chance he might be booed just about everywhere except Miami (and with the burning of his Cavs jersey in Cleveland, we can only imagine the reception.) I'd have more respect for him if he chose to remain in Cleveland and add some pieces to a team that was one of the best in the league. Or even join my poor Knicks, who could give him the biggest stage in the world and potential future teammate Carmelo Anthony. But joining Wade's team as Wade's piece to a championship just doesn't make sense.

Top 3 of the Week: Songs of the Summer

1) California Gurls, Katy Perry featuring Snoop Dogg

I don't think there's any song that epitimizes "summer song" more than the bubble gum pop hit California Gurls. In what appears to be an answer to Jay-Z and Alicia Keys' "Empire State of Mind," Perry proves she's here to stay in the pop world. From "I Kissed a Girl" to "California Gurls" I can only imagine her next hit being "I Kissed a California Gurl."


2) Break Your Heart, Taio Cruz featuring Ludacris

Like Snoop Dogg, I think the only way for Ludacris to hit mainstream radio is to be featured in a song. I mean c'mon. I don't know how many rappers have enough moxie to want to be featured on teeny bopper hits by Jesse McCartney and Justin Bieber. But Ludacris stuck with his own genre and created a smash summer hit with the unknown Taio Cruz.


3) OMG, Usher featuring Will.I.Am

When you take a step back and realize how long Usher has been cranking out hits, it's a pretty crowning achievement that he hasn't faded into oblivion like the Ja Rules of the world. One of my favorites along with "Caught Up" Usher proves to be the most lucrative usher in the world.

Food for Thought: Lettuce

Firstly, I want to say I love salad. And contrary to a male's belief, yes, it is enough food for dinner. But I have a lot of beef with salad, or should I say have a lot of lettuce with salad. But some people don't. Read on for clarification.

It was actually brought to my attention years ago when my brother ordered a dish at a restaurant that came with a salad to start. But my brother doesn't eat "salad," he eats tomatoes, cucumbers and olives. So instead of a typical salad, he asked for that.

What resulted was utter confusion from the waitress. "So wait, you just want tomatoes, cucumbers and olives?" Yes. But according to our salad standards, that doesn't qualify as "salad" because it doesn't contain lettuce.


Sure there are plenty of types of salads. But when where talking about using typical salad ingredients, you know, like carrots, cucumbers, celery, tomatoes, and DON'T include lettuce, well then it becomes an entirely different salad.

If you just cut up lettuce with carrots, you'd call it a salad. If you cut up celery with carrots, you'd call it veggies (or a horse's dinner). Somehow along the way, lettuce equates to a salad and without it, people like that waitress are just left confused.

So next time you eat a salad with lettuce, lett-uce remind you of the consequences.

Yes. I'm that corny.

Next food for thought?

Corn.

Now THAT'S corny.

Top 3 of the Week: Things That Are Illegal That People Do Anyway

1) Fireworks on 4th of July
I find it hard to believe that a holiday that is designed to honor our country relies on one thing that isn't permitted, fireworks. I mean I get it, they're dangerous. I certainly wont go up close to them and quick frankly, the loud booms scare the shit out of me. But why make it so difficult on us Americans on the day we're celebrating the independence of our country, to purchase the key to the celebration? The irony is laughable.


2) Smoking Pot
I've said it before and will proudly say it again. I've never smoked pot and have no desire to ever try it. That doesn't mean that I judge those who do. If you were smoking crack, maybe. But some studies have even showed there are medical benefits to it (remember Montell Williams claiming it helped him through his MS?). There are even some adults who smoke it daily as a stress reliever. The only thing I'll be smoking are those gum ciggarettes I bought from the ice cream man years ago as a reminder of my youth, and how rediculously inappropriate they were for children.


3) Jaywalking
Ok, I'm not even sure where this law is really in effect, but I can tell you it ain't in New York City. In fact, I've seen people jaywalk in front of cops, which of course makes me feel like it's ok that I do it too. But can you imagine the horror of overpopulated corners filled with antsy New Yorkers waiting for that white walking man light to glow? Oh wait, we do that anyway. But the thought of having to delay our already speedy walks makes jaywalking an illegal act I gladly partake in. I know what your thinking, I'm such a rebel!

Dear Brookie!

Dear Brookie,

Helppp meee! I feel like I'm stuck at a job I don't like in a field I'm not sure I want to stay in. I'm 25 and thought about going back to school but I don't even know what I'd go back for. Am I stuck?

-Sam, NYC

Sarcastic Answer:
I don't know, are you trapped in a closet? Did you lock yourself out of your car? If so, no you're not. Call AAA. They work wonders. Ohh, you meant your job? Then yes. You are stuck. Bummer, ain't it? It's ok. You're real job will be in 20 years from now when you preach to your kids 'don't make the same mistake I did.' And reminding them daily is a job in itself.

Real Answer:
Of course you're not stuck. Obviously the economy makes our options a little difficult and with that said, be thankful you have a job. You shouldn't feel like you are stuck in a career you don't want. You're too young and aren't filled with experience in a niche field that pigeonholds you. Even then, you could still change careers. The real issue is not knowing what you WANT to do.

It's so easy to find a reason to complain about a particular job. You have to dig deep and see what your actually good at (do well with numbers?) and your interests (love baseball?). Pursue a job in stats. Do you enjoy working in an office? Being around kids? Figure these things out and work from there.

Going back to school is an option, but don't do it just to further delay a decision about your career. You're young enough where you can start over and find the right path. Don't ever feel like you're stuck unless your car broke down on the highway. And look. Thanks to AAA you're not even stuck. So take the time you need to know for sure what you want and good luck!

Want to Ask Brookie a Question? All you have to do is email brookehschneider@gmail.com and her assistants will sort through the fan mail and select the best question for next week!

When Sarcasm Can Kill!

Sarcasm can kill.

Of course I'm being sarcastic when I say that..or AM I?

For those that know me, you're pretty aware that sarcasm is in my blood. And too much blood exposed can kill you. Again, that's sarcasm, albiet a weak attempt, but sarcasm nontheless.

But am I too sarcastic? Many times it's very hard for those like myself who use sarcasm to tone it down. And considering half the time I can't even tell if I'm being sarcastic, that might be a sign. But life's too short not to find the humor in it. After all, you might as well call this blog The Sarcasm Show.

A lot of times I can't help but joke about an obnoxious stranger, a funny cashier or the irony of a situation. I'm telling you, it's so much more fun to acknowledge these things than to just let it go! You should try it sometime.

But I say sarcasm can kill when of course people don't understand that I'm joking or it doesn't translate well through a medium like texting or online. Without hearing a tone, it's hard to find things funny. And thus hard to get my humor. And that's unfortunate on many levels.


Whether it's with new friends or new prospective boys, coworkers or family, sometimes I just have to be careful with my sarcasm because it just might be too much to handle. But that doesn't mean I'm going to stop using it.

And heck, if you find this blog funny than maybe like Goldie Lock's pourage, my level of sarcasm is just righhtttt. Now that was a bad joke. Damn it. Well I never said my humor is always spot on but it's always worth trying, right?!

Top 3 of the Week: Why LeBron James Should Sign with the Knicks

1) Because Whoopi Goldberg, Donald Trump and Chris Rock Said So
So the Knicks are putting on a full court press to lure LeBron, and have already publicized their efforts to recruit the star with stars of their own. I can only imagine how LeBron's decision will rest on Whoopi Goldberg's sales pitch. If New York is proving anything in this process, it's that the city offers fame off the court, too. He is good buddies with the Yanks CC Sabathia and Jay-Z and if they have any say in it, well, they already said they're not going to pull a Trump and push for him to sign with the Knicks or Jay-Z's Nets. So much for friends helping their other New York friends out...


2) Because He Would Be The King Here
As opposed to going to Chicago or staying in Cleveland, the King can only truly be a King if he's in New York, according to some. Psssh. Endorsers have already said he'll make millions regardless of where he goes and not necessarily any more by being in the Big Apple. And knowing that only the Cavs can pay him the largest contract, he may actually lose money in the move. But I'll tell you this, if the guy craves a falafel at 3 am, doesn't mind the smell of urine on the sidewalk and the herds of people commuting to and from Penn Station on his way to the Garden, then New York might be your match, LeBron.



3) Because He's The Missing Piece to a Championship
Oh, Knickerbockers. Before you laugh at the Knicks roster and their team history, this is no joke. GM Donnie Walsh positioned this team as such so that when this anticipated summer of 2010 came with a slew of high-caliber impending free agents, the Knicks would be in the mix. They're finally under the salary cap and can afford not only LeBron but ANOTHER big free agent (Chris Bosh anyone?). And let's be real. Look how it took only a couple of moves for the Celtics (Garnett & Allen) for them to be champs after that offseason. So I do buy the argument that the Knicks would be automatic contenders if LeBron signed. But does he really want a bite of the Big Apple? We'll soon find out! Get to work, Whoopi!

Dear Brookie!

Dear Brookie,

Lately I've been trying to lose weight but it's getting so frustrating. I try to work out and eat right but when I step on the scale and see no change, I lose hope and finding myself chomping on chips and cookies out of anger. Am I a lost cause? Will I ever lose weight and not lose my mind in the process?


Sarcastic Answer:
Well if you're going to lose anything in this process it better be your belly fat, not your mind. Have you tried sticking your finger down your throat? I hear that makes people skinny. Either that, or go full out obese and try to get on The Biggest Loser. That way you can eat all the chips and cookies you want AND make money AND get famous! Then you can lose it all again and get to stand on that awesome giant scale. I think it's worth considering weighing the pros and cons. Then weigh yourself. It may help your decision.


Real Answer:
All right. It sounds to me your the type of person that likes high-speed Internet, instant coffee and the express line at the supermarket (ok fine, who doesn't). But you seem so antsy when it comes to this 'process.' Have patience!! Depending on your age and weight, you're not going to lose weight so easily. Plus, you do realize that even if you don't see a difference on the scale, you're still doing your body good by getting your heart rate up in workouts and eating healthy. So don't get discouraged, and certainly don't negate all your hard work on the treadmill for a bag of greasy potato chips. Let this 'process' play out and don't worry about that scale so much. Keep doing what your doing and you WILL see a difference! And save stepping on the scale all the time for The Biggest Loser.

-Brooke

Want to ask Brookie a question??? Email her at brookehschneider@gmail.com and you'll get answers! Yes, that's plural, because one answer is the sarcastic one, the next is the REAL one!