Top 3 of the Week: Things That Are Illegal That People Do Anyway

1) Fireworks on 4th of July
I find it hard to believe that a holiday that is designed to honor our country relies on one thing that isn't permitted, fireworks. I mean I get it, they're dangerous. I certainly wont go up close to them and quick frankly, the loud booms scare the shit out of me. But why make it so difficult on us Americans on the day we're celebrating the independence of our country, to purchase the key to the celebration? The irony is laughable.


2) Smoking Pot
I've said it before and will proudly say it again. I've never smoked pot and have no desire to ever try it. That doesn't mean that I judge those who do. If you were smoking crack, maybe. But some studies have even showed there are medical benefits to it (remember Montell Williams claiming it helped him through his MS?). There are even some adults who smoke it daily as a stress reliever. The only thing I'll be smoking are those gum ciggarettes I bought from the ice cream man years ago as a reminder of my youth, and how rediculously inappropriate they were for children.


3) Jaywalking
Ok, I'm not even sure where this law is really in effect, but I can tell you it ain't in New York City. In fact, I've seen people jaywalk in front of cops, which of course makes me feel like it's ok that I do it too. But can you imagine the horror of overpopulated corners filled with antsy New Yorkers waiting for that white walking man light to glow? Oh wait, we do that anyway. But the thought of having to delay our already speedy walks makes jaywalking an illegal act I gladly partake in. I know what your thinking, I'm such a rebel!

Dear Brookie!

Dear Brookie,

Helppp meee! I feel like I'm stuck at a job I don't like in a field I'm not sure I want to stay in. I'm 25 and thought about going back to school but I don't even know what I'd go back for. Am I stuck?

-Sam, NYC

Sarcastic Answer:
I don't know, are you trapped in a closet? Did you lock yourself out of your car? If so, no you're not. Call AAA. They work wonders. Ohh, you meant your job? Then yes. You are stuck. Bummer, ain't it? It's ok. You're real job will be in 20 years from now when you preach to your kids 'don't make the same mistake I did.' And reminding them daily is a job in itself.

Real Answer:
Of course you're not stuck. Obviously the economy makes our options a little difficult and with that said, be thankful you have a job. You shouldn't feel like you are stuck in a career you don't want. You're too young and aren't filled with experience in a niche field that pigeonholds you. Even then, you could still change careers. The real issue is not knowing what you WANT to do.

It's so easy to find a reason to complain about a particular job. You have to dig deep and see what your actually good at (do well with numbers?) and your interests (love baseball?). Pursue a job in stats. Do you enjoy working in an office? Being around kids? Figure these things out and work from there.

Going back to school is an option, but don't do it just to further delay a decision about your career. You're young enough where you can start over and find the right path. Don't ever feel like you're stuck unless your car broke down on the highway. And look. Thanks to AAA you're not even stuck. So take the time you need to know for sure what you want and good luck!

Want to Ask Brookie a Question? All you have to do is email brookehschneider@gmail.com and her assistants will sort through the fan mail and select the best question for next week!

When Sarcasm Can Kill!

Sarcasm can kill.

Of course I'm being sarcastic when I say that..or AM I?

For those that know me, you're pretty aware that sarcasm is in my blood. And too much blood exposed can kill you. Again, that's sarcasm, albiet a weak attempt, but sarcasm nontheless.

But am I too sarcastic? Many times it's very hard for those like myself who use sarcasm to tone it down. And considering half the time I can't even tell if I'm being sarcastic, that might be a sign. But life's too short not to find the humor in it. After all, you might as well call this blog The Sarcasm Show.

A lot of times I can't help but joke about an obnoxious stranger, a funny cashier or the irony of a situation. I'm telling you, it's so much more fun to acknowledge these things than to just let it go! You should try it sometime.

But I say sarcasm can kill when of course people don't understand that I'm joking or it doesn't translate well through a medium like texting or online. Without hearing a tone, it's hard to find things funny. And thus hard to get my humor. And that's unfortunate on many levels.


Whether it's with new friends or new prospective boys, coworkers or family, sometimes I just have to be careful with my sarcasm because it just might be too much to handle. But that doesn't mean I'm going to stop using it.

And heck, if you find this blog funny than maybe like Goldie Lock's pourage, my level of sarcasm is just righhtttt. Now that was a bad joke. Damn it. Well I never said my humor is always spot on but it's always worth trying, right?!

Top 3 of the Week: Why LeBron James Should Sign with the Knicks

1) Because Whoopi Goldberg, Donald Trump and Chris Rock Said So
So the Knicks are putting on a full court press to lure LeBron, and have already publicized their efforts to recruit the star with stars of their own. I can only imagine how LeBron's decision will rest on Whoopi Goldberg's sales pitch. If New York is proving anything in this process, it's that the city offers fame off the court, too. He is good buddies with the Yanks CC Sabathia and Jay-Z and if they have any say in it, well, they already said they're not going to pull a Trump and push for him to sign with the Knicks or Jay-Z's Nets. So much for friends helping their other New York friends out...


2) Because He Would Be The King Here
As opposed to going to Chicago or staying in Cleveland, the King can only truly be a King if he's in New York, according to some. Psssh. Endorsers have already said he'll make millions regardless of where he goes and not necessarily any more by being in the Big Apple. And knowing that only the Cavs can pay him the largest contract, he may actually lose money in the move. But I'll tell you this, if the guy craves a falafel at 3 am, doesn't mind the smell of urine on the sidewalk and the herds of people commuting to and from Penn Station on his way to the Garden, then New York might be your match, LeBron.



3) Because He's The Missing Piece to a Championship
Oh, Knickerbockers. Before you laugh at the Knicks roster and their team history, this is no joke. GM Donnie Walsh positioned this team as such so that when this anticipated summer of 2010 came with a slew of high-caliber impending free agents, the Knicks would be in the mix. They're finally under the salary cap and can afford not only LeBron but ANOTHER big free agent (Chris Bosh anyone?). And let's be real. Look how it took only a couple of moves for the Celtics (Garnett & Allen) for them to be champs after that offseason. So I do buy the argument that the Knicks would be automatic contenders if LeBron signed. But does he really want a bite of the Big Apple? We'll soon find out! Get to work, Whoopi!

Dear Brookie!

Dear Brookie,

Lately I've been trying to lose weight but it's getting so frustrating. I try to work out and eat right but when I step on the scale and see no change, I lose hope and finding myself chomping on chips and cookies out of anger. Am I a lost cause? Will I ever lose weight and not lose my mind in the process?


Sarcastic Answer:
Well if you're going to lose anything in this process it better be your belly fat, not your mind. Have you tried sticking your finger down your throat? I hear that makes people skinny. Either that, or go full out obese and try to get on The Biggest Loser. That way you can eat all the chips and cookies you want AND make money AND get famous! Then you can lose it all again and get to stand on that awesome giant scale. I think it's worth considering weighing the pros and cons. Then weigh yourself. It may help your decision.


Real Answer:
All right. It sounds to me your the type of person that likes high-speed Internet, instant coffee and the express line at the supermarket (ok fine, who doesn't). But you seem so antsy when it comes to this 'process.' Have patience!! Depending on your age and weight, you're not going to lose weight so easily. Plus, you do realize that even if you don't see a difference on the scale, you're still doing your body good by getting your heart rate up in workouts and eating healthy. So don't get discouraged, and certainly don't negate all your hard work on the treadmill for a bag of greasy potato chips. Let this 'process' play out and don't worry about that scale so much. Keep doing what your doing and you WILL see a difference! And save stepping on the scale all the time for The Biggest Loser.

-Brooke

Want to ask Brookie a question??? Email her at brookehschneider@gmail.com and you'll get answers! Yes, that's plural, because one answer is the sarcastic one, the next is the REAL one!

Top 3 of the Week: Types of Dancers

1) Those Who Know What They're Doing
Confidence is key when it comes to dancing, but so is professional training. I wish I could kick it like the Rockettes or tell people I made it to the 2nd round of So You Think You Can Dance, but it's not in the cards. For those who take their skills to the dance floor of a bar, club, wedding or party, I can't help but be envious of your moves, and I'm sorry if you catch me staring or initiating a circle around you. Guys, if you know how to dance without being drunk, that's a plus, but also potentially intimidating. Ladies, you know there's nothing better than a night out with the girls...that is until that creepy guy tries to dance with you...I'll save that for another blog post...


2) Those Who Don't Know What They're Doing
When I was a tall gawky teenager growing up, I was so self-conscious about my height and that everyone could see me on the dance floor that I did the most minimal dance moves possible. (Which meant planting my feet on the ground and doing the same arm motion continuously). So it may have looked like I didn't know what I was doing when in fact, I didn't try. But for those who full out can't locate the beat and somehow believe their moves are attractive and appropriate, I wonder what is worse. All I know is if those folks are looking for attention, they're getting it. And if they're not, they are as clueless when it comes to their social awareness as they are their dance moves!


3) Those Who Pretend They Know What They're Doing
I think in some odd way, I fall into each one of these types of dancers as my dance skills have improved through the years. But it's this category I'm most proud of. If you're out there having a great time but maybe looking like a fool, who really cares what people think? The crazy part is if you're like me, you don't even need to be drunk to do it, too. And maybe I won't ever be on So You Think You Can Dance but I certainly won't be that passive girl on the dance floor again, either. There's no shame in doing whatever dance you want as long as you own it!!!

Rant of the Week: Why I Learned I Can't Buy Clothes Online

INTRODUCING....Dear Brookie!!!!

Dear Brookie,

So why are you starting an advice column. Don't you have better things to do?
-My Mom

Great question, Mom. And knowing how much you love my snarky responses, I've got an answer for you. I've always been particularly good at giving advice, according to multiple sources like teddy bears, mirrors and those who don't speak English. Maybe it's my realist attitude, great sense of social awareness or my knack for street smarts. Or maybe it's my modesty. But why not help those in need? Now I'm no doctor mom, I'll save that for my future husband like you wish. But I sure as hell can take a stab at it, right? So why pay $3.95 an issue for Cosmo or hundreds of dollars to lie on a couch when you can click on this blog for free? My first advice is to believe in the product and you will see instant results or your money back guaranteed! Oh, yeah it's free. Well if it hits it off, maybe I'll start charging so get it for free while you can!

-Brooke

So that's right. Every so often (well we'll see how often it'll be based on the questions received), I'm going to feature Dear Brookie, an advice column on anything ranging from dating to health and fitness, career and all things random. So yes, no question is off limits. The stupid ones just won't be used.

So email your questions to brookehschneider@gmail.com about love, life, and the pursuit of happiness. And let's see how this baby works!

Top 3 of the Week: Why I Hate Driving

1) Maintenance
Maybe I'm bitter since I just dropped $200 on fixing a part, but if youre like me, we assume our car is supposed to do it's job--no questions asked. When it doesn't is when we realize how grateful we are to have something that can get us from point A to point B. Regardless, the constant maintenance makes me think it's easier to just take a bus or train. (or maybe not...)

2) Having Control
Sometimes the beauty of travelling is being forced to sit and do nothing (for those always-active folks like myself). So when I'm forced to keep my eyes on the road, be behind the wheel in bumper to bumper traffic, or deal with those daily Sunday drivers, it's not as enjoyable as reading a magazine, listening to my iPod and dozing off. Sure it can be relaxing sometimes, but only when you're the only car on the road!

3) Having No Control
Its actually a scary thought that no matter how good of a driver you are, you're still sharing the road with those who are not, including those aforementioned Sunday drivers, those who just took their road test, those who haven't taken one in 50 years and those who will even admit they miraculously passed. (hey, even though I'm not a huge fan, I'm still a good driver). We've all heard tragic stories, but the real tragedy of the day is the loss of my converter which was attached to my muffler and was apparently cut off and stolen! Talk about having no control of a situation! Argh..damn you cars!!

Movie Review: Can Never Have Enough Sex..and the City

So to put it eloquently, if you have a vagina, you were at the theater seeing Sex and the City 2 this weekend. If you didn't go, you have every intention of seeing it this week.

Whether you're 15, 25, 35, 45, 55, 65, or almost dead, you couldn't wait to watch the gals get together again on the big screen. But you shouldn't get "Carrie-d" away with the reviews, and yes, that pun was intended just like the many in the film.

So maybe the plot won't garner the film an Academy Award, but who cares! I got 4 words for you: Carrie. Miranda. Charlotte. Samantha. That's all you need. Just let the characters be themselves and you have a movie I'd run to see multiple times before you find me spending money on another film.

So what if the characters are getting old, and I mean in the literal sense, as Samantha tries to defy menopause, Charlotte tackles motherhood, Miranda mulls changing jobs and Carrie attempts to spice up a settled life of marriage. So maybe this time the girls don't hit up the New York City life like they were known for (about only 20 minutes of the film was in NYC), but they tackle every day issues we'll all be dealing with. (including a husband who might think a TV in the bedroom is a good idea.)

Oddly enough, for a movie that touches on real-life issues, they do it in the most unrealistic way possible-in thousand dollar couture. But isn't that part of the fun of watching it? With puns on top of puns, the writing, which has always been a strength is right on target if you can handle the quantity (classic scene with Charlotte- "You have a camel camel-toe").

But while the critics will continue to pan the film, let's be real here. How often do romantic comedies get good reviews? Rarely. So I say forget what the critics say. Forget if you have a vagina or not. Go see this film and remind yourself that Sex [and the City] no matter your own sex or age, is always pure entertainment.