Top 3 of the Week: Why I Don't Understand Autographs

Ok, seriously, read off all the names to me. Oh, really? You can’t? SHOCKER.

1) Can you Even Read It?
How many times have you gotten an autograph from a celebrity or athlete, walk away from the encounter with gleam, and then proceed to look down at the signature with confusion. “What the hell did they just write?” is what you’re thinking, because you can only recognize one letter from the English alphabet. The problem with celebrity autographs is that the bigger the celebrity, the more you’d want an autograph from them, which means the more likely they’re used to just routinely signing their name, which REALLY means they probably don’t even care if they take a pen and doodle initials down that are completely illegible. So if you can’t even read it, what’s the point?

2) How Do you Know It’s Really Them?
Ok, if I hold out a napkin with scribble on it and claim I bumped into Brad Pitt that day and he signed it for me, how do you even know if it’s the truth (assuming I don’t have a history of lying)? Now, only a psychotic-obsessed fan would forge a signature and claim it to be the real thing, but without having an official reference book of famous signatures, how would you know it’s really them? I’d rather just take a photograph with a star than ask for their signature, to at least prove that I meant it when I said that I saw Jay Leno! (see below!).


3) And You’re Going to PAY for it Too?
Ok, going up to a random star and asking for their John Hancock is one thing, but to PAY for a book signing or framed picture of them with their signature? Now that I just don’t get either. Sure, that validates the authenticity of the damn thing, but if it’s not even personalized, it’s just a mass-produced item that has no real meaning other than “oh, cool, they wrote their name on it.” I’m sorry. I just...don’t…GET IT.